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What type ammo is best for the impending zombie invasion?
Why is there air?
No question is out of bounds or inappropriate.
Back later with a sampling of letters from satisfied participants from a previous site before I was inexplicably and wrongfully banned.
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57 comments:
Why did the IRS send me an e-mail? They said there was a problem. But I already got my tax return...in full. Is this a scam? I did not open the attachment to with the e -mail. I always assumed the IRS does not contact a person via e-mail, only genuine snail mail. Did I make a good choice by not opening the attachment?
Also, I have three 403B accounts that I would like to transfer into my 401K money market acount. Is this a wise choice at this time?
And lastly...can you help me set up my line-up for my fantasy FB team? I got a lot of beer riding on this! ;)
head rolls from side to side
Hey Dougie I was fixin to email, but hey, this is so much better.here goes...
1. How do you teach your cat about the "time change"?
2. When the employment ad says send a pic should I just send a pic of my ass?
3. Should I just not worry about that and run off to a deserted island and eat coconuts and crabs and say screw you? with cat ofcourse.
waiting for your advice
"Why did the IRS send me an e-mail? They said there was a problem. But I already got my tax return...in full. Is this a scam? I did not open the attachment to with the e -mail. I always assumed the IRS does not contact a person via e-mail, only genuine snail mail. Did I make a good choice by not opening the attachment?"
Ric, Of course this is a scam. Everything associated with the IRS is a scam. Thanks for writing.
"Also, I have three 403B accounts that I would like to transfer into my 401K money market acount. Is this a wise choice at this time?"
Ric, personally I think anyone that willingly invests in this clusterfook of an economy needs to have their head examined. You'd be much better off cashing out what little value you have left & spending it on weapons, ammo, booze and whores. Hope this helps.
"And lastly...can you help me set up my line-up for my fantasy FB team? I got a lot of beer riding on this! ;)"
Ric, start Tim Tebow at QB. Your team will suck but God will love you. Thanks again for writing.
"How do you teach your cat about the "time change"?"
Pat,
when you wake up an hour early tomorrow morning give your cat a cold bath. What's the point of having a cat if you can't torment them. Thanks for your submission.
"When the employment ad says send a pic should I just send a pic of my ass?"
No. Send it to me.
Always here to help.
"Should I just not worry about that and run off to a deserted island and eat coconuts and crabs and say screw you? with cat ofcourse"
Patsy,
you know that kind of reminds me of a wild night at Pago years ago when..oh wait...never mind. All this talk of ass & screwing caused me to lose my train of thought. No. Do not go to a deserted island. At least not without us.
Please don't forget about pic of ass.
Thanks again for writing.
That's all for today readers. Keep those cards & letters coming in.
laugh out loud....I will be writing to "tell Doug" much more in the future...Thank you
Thanks Doug! You've been a great help!
yep Tim Tebow
God will love you and your team wil win.
Matt,
right you are.
Love,
Detroit Lions
45-10 10/30/11
But hey just keep playing limp noodle AFC teams with re-tread QB's & Tim will be fine.
Thanks for writing.
From our mailbag.
Dear Doug,
Recently the wife (I'll call her Chastity) & I decided to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary by driving down from Ft. Smith ARK to Ft Lauderdale FL.
This was to be a celebration and re-taking of our vows on the beaches of South Florida. At this point I should mention that over the years "Chastity" has been guilty of a few "indiscretions" for which I have forgiven her and for which I really blame myself for not giving her the love and attention that she deserves.
Anyways, after a long days drive we decided to stop for the night at a nice little place off of I-95.
Saying that she was too tired to go out to dinner "Chastity" asked me to go out and get some takeout. Upon returning with some moo goo gai pan (her favorite) I was stunned and mortified to find "Chastity" engaged in a steamy three way with whom I can only assume were the front desk clerk and pool boy.
When she finally noticed me standing there she asked that I leave as my gawking was embarrassing and awkward but to please leave the food as she was sure that they would all have quite an appetite after their vigorous exercise.
I spent the night in the car.
We decided to return home the next morning. As you might imagine the drive back up I-95 and home was quite uncomfortable.
At this point I don't know what to do or to whom to turn. I'm desperate for some kind of wisdom and guidance as I try to move forward.
Please help,
Bereft in Ft. Smith.
Bereft,
Dude seriously WTF! You went all the way to I-95 to get from Arkansas to Ft Lauderdale?! Ever heard of the Turnpike?! Learn how to read a map you moron.
Thanks for taking the time to write,
Doug
Dear Doug, does "Chastity" plan to visit the New England area any time soon?
Is it wrong of me to lock myself in my "man cave" with a cooler full of ice cold beer, playing "Risk" on my computer, while simultaneously setting my line ups for my four fantasy football teams, all the while switching TV channels between "how I met your mother" and "two and a half men"? What's not normal about this for a 49 year old chap? Please tell me so that I can explain it to my wife!
Dear "tell Doug"
Ok,this may not be original, but It's a question stemming from the beginning of time. Why are men incapable of changing the toilet roll? Is it some weird brain cell shortage and they just can't physically do it? Hey I'm opened minded here.
"Dear Doug, does "Chastity" plan to visit the New England area any time soon?"
Sean,
It's entirely possible. "Chastity" does apparently get around. Careful though, there's bugs out there that can make your unit look like a foot.
Thanks for writing.
"Is it wrong of me to lock myself in my "man cave" with a cooler full of ice cold beer, playing "Risk" on my computer, while simultaneously setting my line ups for my four fantasy football teams, all the while switching TV channels between "how I met your mother" and "two and a half men"? What's not normal about this for a 49 year old chap? Please tell me so that I can explain it to my wife!"
Ric,
"how I met your mother" and "two and a half men". What, do you not have ESPN? Have the wife get a second job so you can upgrade your cable package to include the NFL Network along with Sunday Ticket. In the meantime tell her to get out in the kitchen & make you a sandwich.
Thanks for your submission.
"Dear "tell Doug"
Ok,this may not be original, but It's a question stemming from the beginning of time. Why are men incapable of changing the toilet roll? Is it some weird brain cell shortage and they just can't physically do it? Hey I'm opened minded here."
Dear Patsy,
we will consider doing this only if you send us a picture of your...oh wait.
Tell you what, we'll maybe start thinking about changing the roll occasionally if you all will attempt to learn how to work a toilet seat.
That's all for today readers. Thanks for writing.
Thank you "Mr. Tell Doug"!
I am so ashamed! I must upgrade to ESPN and send my wife off to get a 2nd job.
Thank you, as your advise is priceless!
yes "tell Doug", I have figured out that toilet seat thing. After too many dark nights, early dark mornings of falling into the seatless toilet. I now put my hand down first to test if the seat is in place"where it's supposed to be" You may want to pass that on to your readers especially your female readers:)Mind you, this only takes seconds and well worth it.
Ric, Doug is sorta right but so wrong. You should be watching Big Bang Theory And repeats of Raymond. And while you're at it, ask wife if she wants a sandwich. forget ESPN. That's only needed for playoffs. please don't let Doug bring you down to rock bottom. he's a football junkie.
Dear Doug,
You've found a second career. Keep up the flow of priceless wisdom.
Mr. Doug - why is your wisdom priceless? shouldn't the federal government step in?
We need the "Affordable Sage Advice for Americans" act!
"Dear Doug,
You've found a second career. Keep up the flow of priceless wisdom."
Paul,
you live in a tropical paradise and I live in North Florida, a couple miles from the epicenter of nowhere and I'm the wise one. Jesus you people have low standards.
Thanks for writing.
"Mr. Doug - why is your wisdom priceless? shouldn't the federal government step in?
We need the "Affordable Sage Advice for Americans" act!"
Dear Sean,
"Affordable Sage Advice for Americans" act!" Well now that's about as likely as proposing a tax on Christmas trees. Silly boy. Always remember that government is our friend and they're here to help us.
Thanks for your submission.
"Ric, Doug is sorta right but so wrong. You should be watching Big Bang Theory And repeats of Raymond. And while you're at it, ask wife if she wants a sandwich. forget ESPN. That's only needed for playoffs. please don't let Doug bring you down to rock bottom. he's a football junkie."
Dear reader,
hey the advice is free, or priceless if you prefer, I never said that it was worth a shit. Case in point, see below.
From our mailbag:
Dear Doug,
I am truly at wits end. The end of the proverbial rope, which is where you may find me if I can't find some solution to my dilemma. My husband has emptied out our bank account and left with my best friend to join the church of the cosmic conscious. My oldest son was involved in an incident at school that I'm sure is a misunderstanding. Something about spiking the teachers lounge coffee with LSD. My oldest daughter has just been dumped by her umpteenth boyfriend and is preggers with her second child and is now living back at home with the rest of us. My younger daughter has converted to Goth, dresses entirely in black, is sullen and moody and refuses to talk to anyone except her fellow cruella look alikes. The sounds that come out of her room at night are quite disturbing. I'm pretty sure that she had something to do with the neighbors pet iguana disappearing.
A sinkhole has opened up in my front yard and over time has filled up with rain water and now the homeless guys from down in the park have taken to skinny dipping in the sinkhole. Some of the images I have from that are...haunting.
I have been a stay at home mom for years and haven't worked since before I married the cosmic conscious bonehead and we are behind on everything.
I drive a '74 Chevy Vega with 275,000 miles on it that has what the mechanic says is a "warped head". Is that serious?
Please tell me what to do. You're my last and only hope.
Signed,
Toes on the ledge in Ypsilanti.
Dear Toes,
You certainly do have a lot of problems.
Thanks for writing.
Dear "Tell Doug",
Can you pleae post a picture of Pasty's ...oops, never mind. I think I on the wrong thread!
hahahaha
dear "tell Doug" yes, Paul lives in a wonderland. we can't be there. We live in FLA and it aint too shabby.
we, so far this season have survived a major hurricane and tornadoes that could have ripped my leaking roof off. Doug, Be happy for what you have. Florida has been good to us:)
"dear "tell Doug" yes, Paul lives in a wonderland. we can't be there. We live in FLA and it aint too shabby.
we, so far this season have survived a major hurricane and tornadoes that could have ripped my leaking roof off. Doug, Be happy for what you have. Florida has been good to us:)"
Dear Patsy,
OHHHH...OK. I'll be happy. For now. Cold out tonight though, Bet it's not cold where Paul is.
Dammit.
Thanks for writing.
Dear "tell doug", Are you for real?
Dear "Tell Doug". Responding to Pattsy, I hope Doug is for real! He's better than Dr. Ruth, or Dr. what ever her name was. (Psst, can you send me that picture, Hehehehe)!
Hey Ric and Doug.....be ready my young men
yes Ric we know he's for real. That's why we love him. Dang it's cold down here today! PS Ric your little one is adorable.
"dear doug i received a visit today from a mr.jones
with the fcc inquiring as to the identity and location
of a certain advice collumnist.i sent him to sacramento.now i feel bad for lying to the govt.
what should i do? i just remembered that larson
lives in sacramento.he left me his number should
i call him and come clean?
signed worried in the rockies.
Dear "tell Doug" It's friggin cold down here in south FLA. I bet you're freezing your zorries off up north there. stay warm buddy luv ya:)
"dear doug i received a visit today from a mr.jones
with the fcc inquiring as to the identity and location
of a certain advice collumnist.i sent him to sacramento.now i feel bad for lying to the govt.
what should i do? i just remembered that larson
lives in sacramento.he left me his number should
i call him and come clean?
signed worried in the rockies."
Dear worried,
this reminds Tell Doug of a story he has heard about Hannibal Lechter and a certain pesky census taker.
The next time "Mr. Jones" or his fellow lackey of the state "Mr. Smith" darkens your door invite him in & enjoy him with a nice glass of chianti.
Power to the people.
Hope this helps.
Doug in Sacramento
"Dear "tell Doug" It's friggin cold down here in south FLA. I bet you're freezing your zorries off up north there. stay warm buddy luv ya:)"
Dear luv ya,
Tell Doug loves all of his readers but especially those that submit pics of oh wait...dammit.
Dear luv ya'
Back 'atcha.
Yes, Tell Doug was rudely reminded of his living in the temperate zone when he bounded out the door this morning in shorts and flip flops and was greeted by air that was suitable for hanging meat.
Mr plumeria was also quite pissed and although he is now resting comfortably in the foyer he is not talking except to say that he certainly hopes Paul is nice and warm.
Thanks for writing.
Dear "tell Doug" Are you kidding me?? You call them Flip Flops??? Really Dude? I'm fixin to remove you from my Guam card as much as I adore you...I'll do it.
not really babe, but they are called zorries, not flip flops.
Flip flops is better then calling them Shower Thongs
It's starting to cool down here too. I almost had to put a shirt on last night.
It is cold here at night and I have a cold.
Dear Doug -
I was going to ask you were I could get a nice lava lava, but since the whole "flip flop flap" I am starting to doubt your creds.
"It's starting to cool down here too. I almost had to put a shirt on last night."
Dear Paul,
Sigh.
Thanks for your submission.
"Dear Doug -
I was going to ask you were I could get a nice lava lava, but since the whole "flip flop flap" I am starting to doubt your creds."
"Dear "tell Doug" Are you kidding me?? You call them Flip Flops??? Really Dude? I'm fixin to remove you from my Guam card as much as I adore you...I'll do it."
Dear Sean and Patsy,
OK OK you win. Doesn't really matter because it's too friggin' cold to wear bathroom slippers anyways.
Thanks for writing.
just Kidding Dougie, Go ahead, call Them flip flops. I'll always forgive you.
Dear "tell Doug" , why do women frown on "man caves"?
Dear "tell Doug" , why do women frown on "man caves"?
Dear Ric,
this is a complex issue with several factors at play. First the existence of a man cave in your home runs counter to the genetically ingrained female trait commonly known as the female nesting instinct. Women feel the need to control their environment. It drives them nuts that you have a man cave that in their estrogen addled opinion should be a sewing room or spare bedroom dedicated to extended visits from their mother.
By spending time in your man cave you are effectively thwarting what they feel is their birthright to monitor, and as they see necessary adjust, your behavior, dress and football watching habits.
Take the high road here. As a gesture of your willingness to compromise offer to allow the wife onto your hallowed ground occasionally to clean up the beer & liquor bottles or to bring you a sandwich. Buy her some new cookware for Christmas. Then have her bake you a pie.
She won't say a word to you about your man cave. Actually she might not say a word to you period but hey life's a compromise right?
Hope this helps.
Dear "Ask Doug"..Thank you Guru! Your wisdom is well charished!
Dear "Ask Doug". Please tell me what you think about a well known doctor on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a case of Hamm's Beer, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. I luvum inner piss!
"Dear Doug, go figure.. answer.. ?"
Dear Dave,
"Figures lie, liars figure."
Samuel Clemons
Thanks for writing. Even if it was in the wrong thread.
"Dear "Ask Doug". Please tell me what you think about a well known doctor on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a case of Hamm's Beer, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. I luvum inner piss!"
Dear Ric,
Sounds like a visit from your resident cleaning lady is in order. And in spite of you being a total bogart I salute you.
Thanks for your submission.
From our mailbag...
"Dear Doug,
I am a prosecuting attorney in a medium size city in the midwest. Recently in court I briefly glanced at two nice looking female defendants standing trial on a number of felony counts. Anyways as I looked at them one of them actually smiled & winked at me. Was I wrong to feel like this hot soon to be prison babe was actually attracted to me?
Signed,
"Still got it."
Dear got it,
Don't know how to break this to you counselor but that "nice looking female" probably wasn't. Perhaps "she" mistook that bulge in your pants for a shiv. Maybe you reminded "her" of "her" dad. Who the hell knows. How about this Matlock. Act your age.
Friggin' lecher.
Thanks for writing.
Dear Doug...You are hilarious. But I do have a serious question...should I move to an unlisted zip code or charge my kids rent?
"Dear Doug...You are hilarious. But I do have a serious question...should I move to an unlisted zip code or charge my kids rent?"
Dear Becki,
Tell Doug requires more info before giving an informed response. Are they daughters? If so please forward pictures for the board to review.
If it's boys we're talking about here may we respectfully suggest your local Marine Corps Recruiting Office. We have it on good authority that they will readily accommodate their needs.
Always here to help.
Tell Doug.
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