I just can hold back any more.

I received this in an email a few years ago and keep it around to send to unsuspecting friends.


Puns:

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only
one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to
Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the
cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one,
naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He
slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot
my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because,"
he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a
family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked
to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town
thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to
close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars
to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town
to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can
prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is
so bad, it's good) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns
to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make
them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.